Boss Lady

I am the head honcho of the S3 shop today (my office)!  I am spreading my wings and taking charge while my boss is traveling the country.  I feel like a different person when I am in charge.  It is really hard to explain.  For once I do not feel beat down and trapped.  I am standing tall and able to take credit and take pride in the work I am completing and presenting.  I had a meeting today that went amazingly well.  The XO gave me a weird look when I initially took charge of the meeting as if to say, “Who are you and where did you come from?”  I was finally able to present my slides.  I knew what I was talking about and answered questions as they flew at me.  Senior leaders commented on how well I did and I even received a compliment from the XO while I was conducting my meeting.  It feels good to be in charge!

I am running in another 5K tomorrow morning.  This one is to support Military Working Dogs and is hosted by one of our Direct Reporting Units.  The dogs will be leading the run with their handlers.  These are dogs we are allowed to interact with and not be slapped with a fear of contracting rabies.  We are so brainwashed that anytime we see an animal we think of rabies.  This should make it interesting when I return and start looking into buying a puppy. 

We are all starting to plan what we are doing when we return from this deployment.  I received the exciting news of a Permanent Change of Station last night and I will be moving very shortly after my vacation to Afghanistan ends.  It is an exciting new opportunity to learn a new job in my career field.  My imaginary free time today has been absorbed by researching houses for sale and investigating housing areas in my soon to be new location. 

My investigation has come to an abrupt halt.  The female that made the original complaint has ceased communicating with me.  The other female involved asked for legal counsel.    I have no evidence, no witnesses, and the only information I have is in an email that contains three poorly written sentences.  I had the Legal NCO send me a template to request an extension.  It was in memorandum format.  He didn’t tell me who to send it to or who to write it out to, so I sent him an email asking those specific questions.  He walked down to my office and started pointing out all my errors on this memorandum.  They were mainly formatting issues.  I became angry and told him to leave until I finished at which point I would send him the memorandum and he could critique it from a distance.  After he left, I decided to take a different approach.  I walked over to the COL’s office.  I asked the COL for an extension in person, which he granted and advised me to wait an additional week then close out the case.  He then told me to tell the Legal NCO to write the memorandum extending the investigation for a week.  Much to say the Legal NCO is not happy with me, but his memo is written and it is to his standard.  All I had to do was sign it.  Soon, I will write my short report stating I found nothing to support any of her claims and the Soldier in question will continue with his existence as the COL’s driver.  This investigation was too easy, but I am not asking the world to challenge me with a more difficult case.  I would be ecstatic if I never have to do another investigation for the rest of my military career. 

Flaming Ping Pong

The building was almost burnt down yesterday and it would have been my boss’s fault.  My boss discovered yesterday that ping pong balls are flammable (**DISCLAIMER – DO NOT TRY THIS).  For some unknown reason he took a lighter to a ping pong ball.  As is quickly became engulfed in flames, he jumps, blows on the fire ball, lets out a whispered “ow,” and drops the flaming ball.  Luckily the ping pong ball went out upon impact with the floor.  It should have ended there, but instead of learning his lesson, he quickly tells the NCOIC to grab a ping pong ball and a lighter.  The NCOIC is always down for some fun and he did not see what the boss did previously so he grabbed a ping pong ball and a lighter.  His first attempt he held the ping pong ball above the lighter.  The boss tells him that isn’t a good idea, so he holds the ball to the side of the lighter.  The ball instantly lights on fire.  The NCOIC yells, “Oh shit,” and drops the flaming ball right next to my desk.  It is still flaming.  He tries to step on it but instead kicks it on accident.  May I remind you that this entire building is made of plywood, to include the floor?  I quickly rolled my chair back ready for everything in the office to ignite starting with my particle wood desk.  He attempted to stomp it out a second time and was successful.  We all scooted closer to see the melted, flattened, black ping pong ball.  It was hardly recognizable.  The boss started talking about playing a game of flaming ping pong and injecting hand sanitizer into the ping pong balls.  It was at this time that I decided I needed to leave the office and find a good alibi for when they did actually accidently burn this building down.

My office is portraying that we want to extend an olive branch to the rest of this unit by hosting a snack party.  We hung posters advertising the party and until a few seconds ago, I too thought it was a kind gesture.  I have been informed that we are modeling this party after the movie “Dinner for Schmucks”.  If you haven’t seen this movie, it is about a group of wealthy people planning a dinner party with their own entertainment in mind.  Each person is to bring a “schmuck” to the party.  The goal of the party is to enable your attendee to say something off-the-wall.  The person whose attendee says the wackiest phrase wins a prize at the end of the night.  The guests can never know the plot of the party, which makes it all more interesting.  For our party, we are going to award the winner’s guest a certificate making him or her an ambassador to our office.  This could become an interesting party.  We have all chosen our guests and the game is set to play next week.

Cold and Rainy

It is still raining here and it looks like Lake Kandahar is turning into Kandahar Ocean.  I was unable to avoid some big mud puddles today and now look like I am part swamp monster with all the mud on my boots.  It rained all night and was still sprinkling as I walked to work.  My feet are now soaked which will make my day that much better.  Oh, and now the ceiling is dripping water right above my computer.  This is going to be a fun day.

I slept like a rock last night with all that pitter patter on the rooftop.  I slept so hard, in fact, that I almost overslept through my alarm clock.  It took everything in me just to open my eyes and contemplate removing myself from the comfort of my bed.  The new roommate left in quite a hurry on her way back to Germany.  It was kind of a funny situation because one day she was talking about how she had been here for a month, couldn’t wait to get home, and didn’t know when she was leaving.  The very next day she was packing to go back to Germany while arguing to stay for another week.  Long story short, she is gone, thank Jesus! 

My roommate is traveling currently for a conference at a different site.  The day she left I received a phone call that we would have a visitor until Wednesday, possibly two, staying in our room.  The TF 14 MED providers (also known as our Doctors, Surgeons, Psychiatrists, and Trauma Nurses) are four and a half month rotators, meaning they only stay in country for four and a half months before being replaced.  These providers are stopping in KAF prior to heading back to Fort Benning to out-process with the unit, receive their travel orders and their letters of release from theater.  While they are here, they need a place to stay and we are nice enough to share our rooms with them so they don’t have to stay in a big tent with a ton of strangers.  I cleared off the upper bunk bed of the other roommate’s area to make room for the possible second guest.  So far, I only have the one, but she is very tall, very skinny, and very friendly.  She is a general surgeon whose favorite color is pink.  We painted our toenails pink last night with some nail polish my best friend recently sent.  She and her husband are both surgeons and looking forward to returning home together. 

Golf

It is another rainy day here on Kandahar and the weather fits my mood.  I am tired, sad, and a little bit out of it today.  It is cold outside too.  This is the kind of weather that makes me ask myself why I even arose out of bed today. 

I feel the need to share a pet peeve of mine.  I absolutely cannot stand when people lie to me or to those I love.  Is it really worth what you are trying to gain?  If you cannot gain it honestly, is it really worth having?  Where is the line drawn about when to lie and when to be honest?  How can you ever be trusted when you lie, even just once?  Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  Be a real man/woman and be true to yourself.  I have more to say, but it is all inappropriate and may be considered complaining.

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox, I have decorated my office in pink and now have a miniature version of me playing golf in bobble-head form.  I received a spectacular box full of pink balloons, a pink fuzzy pen, and a pink princess tiara.  This box also had a Hello Kitty hair kit, so I am feeling a bit more girly these days, watch out! 

I cannot wait to return home and hit the golf course.  Nothing sounds more enjoyable, relaxing, or stress relieving than hitting a couple of golf balls down a bright green strip of fresh cut grass and hearing the high pitched ping of my lavender club making contact with the dimpled texture of a pink golf ball.  I can smell, hear, and see the course now and even though it is just in my head, it is morale boosting and puts a smile on my face. 

Opportunity Knocks

I enjoyed dinner last night with an old MP buddy of mine.  Who knew Afghanistan was the place to reconnect with old friends and co-workers?  We met up at the TGIFriday’s located on the Boardwalk.  This is my first visit to any restaurant on Kandahar.  These places are known to be expensive and the dining facility is free.  As some of you may know, I have been craving a greasy bacon cheeseburger for a long time, so one can imagine my smile when I saw “Cheesy Bacon Cheeseburger” on the menu.  And that is exactly what I enjoyed, minus the bacon because they were out of bacon.  This epic burger contained fried mozzarella, cheddar cheese, onion, tomato, pickle, lettuce, and a big patty of beef.  I was in heaven with a side of fries.  He enjoyed a non-alcoholic Budweiser and some shrimp pasta dish that really didn’t look all that appetizing (possibly because I was so engrossed in my cheeseburger).  We caught up on where we have been and where we want to go.  Then we breached the subject of what we are doing here.  He is here with the mission of assessing outlying Forward Operating Bases and they are short a Medical team member.  He asked if I would be willing to fill the position.  I told him I wasn’t even qualified to put a band-aid on his boo-boo to which he responded that wasn’t the intent of this position.  He needs someone to assess the Aid Stations and Clinics to ensure they were following Standard Operating Procedures and receiving the supplies necessary to run their daily operations.  I could do that and the job sounds a lot more interesting than my current position.  I told him I would ask my boss to see if it was feasible.

We had a different Priest hosting the Catholic service last night.  I think he was the same Priest that conducted a service while my unit was at Fort Polk for deployment training.  He has a very unique sense of humor and is from Nigeria.  It was an enjoyable service but it was crowded!  Looking around the room it was interesting to see that most people in attendance were civilians or local nationals that work on Kandahar.  The entire service was in English, as the Chaplains are all US Military, making it interesting to hear all the different accents.  Prior to the service, a rosary service was held.  The guy leading the rosary was a Local National.  I could tell that he had to practice a lot to recite the odd pronunciations of a foreign language.  He did a really nice job and it almost sounded like he was singing his portions. 

Today is nice, quiet, and full of Power Point Slide corrections. 

Fish and Chips

What a day today has been!  Every other Saturday morning I host a meeting via Adobe Breeze.  If you are not familiar with this program, it is quite genius and quite idiotic all at the same time.  This program is much like a chat room.  On the left hand of the screen, I have visibility of everyone who is signed into the meeting room.  On the far right there is a long and narrow chat box that I use to send messages to everyone in the room or individuals depending on what option I choose.  In the middle of the screen is my PowerPoint presentation turned into a PDF.  At the bottom of the screen is a talk button so that I can talk to the group instead of typing everything I need to say.  The downside to this is that everyone in the room can rearrange anything on the screen.  For example, if LT Joe wants to flip through the slides, the whole group can see him flipping through slides.  It is the most difficult thing in the world for group members to not touch these slides.  No amount of verbal or typed reminders can remedy this and it bugs the poop out of me because I will be presenting and someone will change the slide on me.

Anyway, my meeting was a bust today.  Not only was everyone having issues with their microphones not working, my internet went out right in the middle.  That is correct, we were jumping around trying to find a talk button that functioned and in the middle of all that chaos my internet stops working.  Let’s add in that one Commander called my desk side phone instead of logging onto the Adobe Breeze and asked to present via speaker phone…to the group on the computer.

I took the new CPT to the Bazaar today.  He hadn’t been yet and I have been meaning to return one of these days.  I have my eyes on two items, but they either don’t have it or the price is wrong.  He is like me in that as it becomes more and more crowded we become more and more uncomfortable.  We stayed for about thirty minutes and called it a day.  We walked over to the Cambridge dining facility which is the British style dining facility.  We enjoyed some fish and chips!  They were battering it and frying it up right in front of us!  It was one of the most delicious meals I have had in a long time and it was complete with a specially made warm tartar sauce and fresh lemon slices. 

Biometrics

As I was walking home from work last night I passed a full bird Colonel, a Captain, and a Command Sergeant Major on the Boardwalk.  The Boardwalk is like a strip mall.  It is also a safe zone for Soldiers, meaning Soldiers do not have to wear their headgear nor do they have to salute officers.  As I passed this group, I noticed the COL was looking in a window, the Captain was staring at the ground, and the CSM was staring at me.  The CSM asked how I was and I said "Good, thanks" and kept walking.  He turns around and calls my name when I was about six paces past the group.  I turn around thinking, "Maybe this guy knows me.  It wouldn't be the first time that has happened here on the Boardwalk."  I respond with, "Yes, CSM" and walk back towards the group.  He begins to lecture me on how he knows this is a safe zone, but that I just walked past a full bird colonel and didn't acknowledge his presence.  I said, "Ok" turned and walked away.  I wanted to argue, but all I could do was smile while imagining him stopping every Joe on that Boardwalk who wouldn't acknowledge his presence...especially while the COL was looking the opposite direction.  I have to wonder sometimes about where these people think they are located that they feel the importance of stopping a Soldier to tell them he or she needs to say hello to his or her commander.  I told the story to my office today and they all laughed right alongside me.

We finally received our half door for the office.  Hopefully this will minimize the flow of traffic, the amount of noise, and the need to hang out in my office.  The guy in charge of the locals installing the door is from Cincinnati, Ohio.  Needless to say I enjoyed a morning of reminiscing about Cincinnati with a guy who grew up in Anderson Township.

I was in charge of our Senior Leader Professional Development today.  I had an NCO from Task Force Biometrics lined up to teach a class on what biometrics is and what role it plays here in Afghanistan.  I had been coordinating with him for an entire month, exchanging emails, asking what support he needed, and lining up a venue that would suit his needs.  Five minutes prior to the start, this guy is no where in sight.  I was very nervous and called his office.  He was still there!  I quickly sent a driver to go pick him up.  I was not a happy camper.  I took a lot of time and effort to coordinate this event.  When he arrived, his excuse was that he didn't have a vehicle.  That excuse doesn't fly around here.  The distance between where he works and this venue is closer than the distance between where I live and where I work.  He didn't have to bring any equipment because I had it all and he could have just walked like the rest of us.  Did he also not have a phone to call and explain he would be tardy?  Anyway, he gave a fantastic class and I presented him with a coin afterwards.  All in all, a good day.

Excitement

It is raining this morning.  As I lay in bed listening to the gentle pitter patter of rain on the roof, relaxing to the calm drumming of drizzle, I struggle to find the motivation to remove myself from under the warm blankets.  The rainfall is very deceiving when it hits the aluminum roof.  It may sound as though it is pouring outside but upon exiting the MOD, I found it to be a slight sprinkle of raindrops.  I quickly discovered that I was too bundled.  With every step I became warmer and warmer underneath my four layers of cold and rain protection.  By the time I picked up my breakfast of biscuits and gravy, the heat was almost unbearable as I told myself I only had about a hundred meters left until I could rid myself of the heat entrapping layers protecting me from a raindrop or two.

Breakfast was delicious.  Whoever makes these biscuits and this gravy deserves a pay raise.  Moist, fluffy, and slightly buttered biscuits combined with creamy, warm, not too spicy sausage gravy to make a meal most may consider to be inadequate, unappealing, or too southern.  I could eat this meal everyday and be completely satisfied. 

Work has been different today.  Since everyone was counseled yesterday, the environment in the office has changed dramatically.  We are all speaking to each other and actually getting along.  The LT is in a good mood and is speaking with the boss again instead of avoiding him at all costs.  Building that bridge of communication with the boss was the best thing to happen to this office.

I received word today, I should say I was eavesdropping today, but I heard today that my new roommate is leaving.  She will be returning to Germany, her home station, as soon as she fills out her packet and reserves a flight out of here.  I also heard that my other roommate may be relocated very shortly.  Currently, she is at the location that the new roommate left filling in the role she left vacant.  Perhaps she will be the permanent replacement.  That will leave me and my roommate in a room of our own which makes us a little excited.

Hail Storm

I went to bed last night to the relaxing sound of rain hitting the aluminum roof of my MOD.  As I was dozing peacefully and right on the verge of deep sleep, the rain became so loud it was deafening.  It was enough to make my new roommate investigate outside.  She returned to report that it was hailing. 

On my way to work this morning, I was stopped by an MP waiting for his buddies to buy coffee prior to their shift.  As I walked past, I heard him say, “Hey, CPT Staun, you look really familiar.  How do I know you?”  I turned around to see a familiar face.  “Oh yea, I know you from Fort Benning, the 988^th MP Company!  How have you been?”  We exchanged a quick hug and background information on who we work for now, where we are located in Afghanistan, and an introduction to his buddies around him.  As his First Sergeant passed, taking the group with him, he raised his box of donuts and said, “Don’t stereotype.”  I chucked and informed him that I couldn’t judge because I had been there once.

I had a change of heart about my new roommate last night.  I started thinking about her situation.  She was in a new location with people she didn’t know and she has no idea when she is leaving or where she will be going; home or back to her post in Afghanistan.  I started to feel bad with how my room had been treating her.  I had a good conversation with her and even joined her for lunch.  She is not a bad person and has a lot of experience under her belt that she is more than willing to share for your benefit.

I finally received counseling from my boss.  Counseling in the Army is used to set standards, expectations, and build a bridge of communication.  It is also used to document negative situations and this version of counseling gives all counseling a negative connotation.  My final project in college was to change the face of counseling to rid it of its negativity.  I am happy to report that I received positive feedback from my boss.  I am what right looks like, although he would like to see me increase my level of responsibility.  I challenged him on this statement saying, “Sir, I fail to see how I can step it up in the position in which I currently serve.”  He clarified stating that he wanted me to be more visible.  To which I responded, “Sir, it is hard to be more visible and provide input when you keep everything to yourself.”  He agreed to improve and suggested projects in which he would like me to participate.  It all sounds good, but we will see what happens. 

I had an awkward moment at the dining facility today.  While I was eating with my new roommate an Air Force gentleman turned to me and asked me where I got my drugs.  I thought I misheard him and asked him to repeat himself.  He asked again where I got my drugs.  I was thoroughly confused.  He told me he had pictures of when I was at the Christmas party at the Liberty House.  I told him that was creepy and he further explained that he was the guy with the big camera taking pictures to post on the Kandahar share drive.  He said there was a picture of me at the party looking like I was high.  He said he didn’t post that picture, but wanted to know where I got my drugs from.  I told him not to spread that rumor because I worked with a hospital.  How creepy was that though?

Angry, Sad, Happy

Today has been one emotional roller coaster of a day!  I picked up breakfast and headed to work thinking it was going to be a normal day.  The new LT begins to inform me of the night’s events.  The other LT became upset with the boss or the boss became upset with the other LT and it caused the boss to post a sign on his door telling us to figure things out on our own because our work is not his work.  The other LT wants to have a meeting with the boss regarding a lot of hypocritical events.  The boss is supposed to mentor and guide us, but when his guidance is cryptic and we aren’t allowed to ask him questions, what are we supposed to do?  We also discovered that he fought for the NCO’s to receive large awards, but said nothing when our awards were downgraded.  This is not right on a lot of levels.  This office would not run without the Battle Captains and the boss obviously does not see this and thinks of us as worthless.  Somewhere in the conversation the LT pointed out that I don’t do anything.  This angered me when I heard it.  I spent three hours conducting quality control on slides.  I have all morning to knock out my requirements in peace and quiet.  By the time everyone else arrives to work, my work is done and yes, I can sit around and blog because my work is done.  Half of my job is reactionary meaning I react to events that occur time now.  It is a good thing when I have nothing to do because that means no one is out there being injured or attacked. 

Later this morning, the movement NCO, who has not spoken to me in two weeks because of a small spat, tried to make a big deal out of something so small.  Two weeks ago, I tried to compliment a Soldier saying that he was motivated and that he brought water in and took the trash out without anyone telling him to do it.  I mentioned that it was nice to have a motivated Soldier in the shop.  The movement NCO turned it around so that it sounded like I was insulting everyone else in the shop.  I knew he was joking around, but when the boss exits his office to inform everyone that he brings in cases of water and that he contributed to the office, the insult was solidified and the Soldier did not receive his compliment.  I told the movement NCO that I was done talking for the day, mainly because I was leaving in 15 minutes for the day, but to also make a point that he hurt my feelings.  He apologized, but hasn’t so much as looked in my direction for two weeks.  Today, asked the LT if he had the new phonebook on digits to print out.  He replied that an NCO had them, but I quickly responded with, “No, actually I put all that together and printed one out for everyone.  I distributed them the other day.”  Which was true, I created, printed, cut them out all pretty, and distributed them to everyone in the office.  The movement NCO, which I specifically remember handing one to, says that I purposely did not give him one.  I offer to print him out another and he tells me again that I did it on purpose.  I told him no, that I would not do that to anyone because that is not the type of person I am.  He argues, I print and hand it to him telling him to think what he wants, I really don’t care.  A minute later, he approaches my desk and asks if I would like to join him for lunch.  My first thought was, “No, I don’t want anything to do with you,” but I knew he just wanted to make amends so I said, “Yea, I’ll go to lunch with you.” 

We went to lunch together and didn’t really talk about much because other Soldiers sat with us, but I think just the gesture of joining him for lunch was a big step in making amends.  I was really stressed out when he was just trying to joke around.  I really just want my boss to tell me if I am doing well at this job or not because every time I turn around it seems like he is upset with the office.  He does not approach people one on one, he simply addresses the whole office to stop whatever it is he wants stopped.  The sign on his door implying that he does not care about anything we have to say really does not help the situation.

I had a really good workout at the gym last night and it appears my new roommate does not even exist.  She was out until late last night and when she arrived to the room, she went straight to bed.  I was already asleep due to my workout wearing me out, but it was nice that she only turned on a small light and went straight to bed.  The prayers are working!

Lent

Yesterday afternoon was a nice relaxing day here in Afghanistan.  Well, at least it was for me.  I watched the movie “Argo” about the Iran Hostage Crisis.  That is a really good movie and I am amazed at how it all worked out. 

Two of my roommates are gone this week leaving me alone with the new roommate, Ms. Inconsiderate.  This could become interesting and I may need additional prayers for patience. 

My Lenten resolution feels like it is going to be the death of me.  I essentially gave up snacking.  I am sticking to three meals a day, no extras, no dessert, etc.; just what they put on the plate.  I am a person that apparently likes to snack.  Previously, I would skip breakfast and instead snack on cookies, granola bars, or candy.  I would go to lunch at noon and around 3pm I would begin snacking on popcorn, candy, cookies, and anything else I could find in the MWR room.  Dinner was not on my schedule.  After work, I would hit the gym, shower, and go to bed.

For my Lenten schedule, I pick up a to-go box of eggs, biscuits and gravy, French toast, bacon, and fruit from the dining facility at 530am.  I am absolutely starving by the time 10am comes around.  I go to lunch at noon and am starving again by 3pm.  Dinner is still not on my schedule, but that is just pure laziness on my part.  It is almost 2pm here and I am so incredibly hungry.  Lunch consisted of half a Cornish hen and a large scoop of rice pilaf.  I was full when I left the dining facility.  I want something sweet and filling, but instead I just drink water, plain, old, boring water.

Speaking of lunch, I ate with Slovakians today.  I originally sat alone on the far end of a table facing the television.  I couldn’t hear the television, but it was something to look at when people watching became boring.  All of a sudden, a Slovakian squeezed behind me to sit two seats down.  Then his friend came and sat on the other side of him.  Then another arrived and sat across from him, and another, and another, and another, until I was completely surrounded by Slovakians.  I was rubbing elbows and toes with Slovakians, but I couldn’t understand a word they were saying.  One of them was a female.  Well, she appeared to be female.  When she spoke, I had to do a double take because her voice was so deep and manly sounding.  I quickly finished my meal and boot-scooted out of there.

I was told my cell phone is now the TOC phone, so I had to reset the phone and kiss all those minutes I accidently loaded to the government SIM card instead of my personal SIM card goodbye.  So, FYI, I no longer have a cell phone over here.  I could go buy one, but it isn’t worth it for the price.  A cheaply made Fischer Price looking phone is $130 over here.  I have 113 days left…you do the math.

Last of the Tide Pods

I did my own laundry last night.  I know I said I was going to start turning them in for other people to wash, but who has time for that?  It is quite the hike from where I live and it is a 24 hour turn around.  I like the instant gratification of clean clothes that smell fantastic. 

I arrived to the laundry facility with a Tide Pod in one hand, a bottle of laundry detergent in the other, and my arms full with a large bag of dirty laundry.  I was hoping to find more than one washer available and I only had one Tide Pod left, hence the bottle of detergent.  Unfortunately, only one washer was empty of clothing.  I opened the door and threw my Tide Pod into the drum.  I thought it was awkward when I heard a splash.  I took another glance and saw the drum was half full of dirty water.  Ugh, I debated in my head whether or not to reach in and rescue my Tide Pod.  It was my last one.  As I reached into the gross water, I hoped it had not busted open already.  I threw it into my dirty laundry bag and rinsed my hand in the utility sink. 

I noticed the knob on the washer was turned to off and this was the only washer available.  I decided to close the door to the washer, turn the setting to spin only, and observe what happened next.  Surprisingly, the washer emptied and ten minutes later I was again throwing my Tide Pod into the drum, only this time it was empty.  I crossed my fingers and prayed for good fortune as I filled the machine with my dirty laundry, set the washer to normal, and went back to my room.

Twenty minutes later I returned to find my clothing still successfully turning circles in the machine.  The Personnel NCOIC was folding her clothing at one of the dryers.  I gave her a look and she nodded.  This cryptic yet silent message said so much.  This was the silent conversation:
Her:  “Hey, what’s up Ma’am?”
Me:  “Not much, how’s your night going?”
Her:  “Not too bad, I fought the crowd and got my clothes clean.”
Me:  “I see that, are you done with that dryer cuz I don’t want to fight anyone for a dryer; you know I’ll end up hanging my clothes in the room.”
Her:  “Yea, I’ll take my time over here until you are done so you can use this dryer.”
Me:  “Thanks, I appreciate you!”

Ten minutes later, I took my clean clothes out of the washer and shoved them into the dryer on which she was folding her dry clothes.  Ironically, she finished folding her clothes at the same time my machine unlocked the door.  As I was watching my clothing take its final spin, I looked over at the other washer windows and noticed one of the washers was completely full of soap bubbles.  Oh the poor soul who has to return to that mess! 

While waiting for my clothes to dry, I tend to stand right in front of the dryer I am utilizing.  The dryers do not lock while they are drying clothes and other people’s children often open dryers at random to see if they are empty or if the clothing contained within is dry enough to justify that person removing someone else’s clothing from the dryer.  This act causes socks and underwear to go flying straight to the usually muddy floor, clothing to get lost, or still damp clothing to lay defenseless on top of the dryer you thought you were using.

A very tall man walked into the facility and walked straight to the bubbly washer.  You could tell he was thoroughly confused but had the sense to move his soapy clothes to another washer.  I tried to comfort him by telling him that it happens to everyone, to which he asked, “Why did this happen?”  He had a thick accent, but he was not speaking to the point at which I could recognize it.  Another female explained to him that these washers take about half as much soap as normal washers.  I walked over to this lost individual and tried to help him out as best I could.  I turned the soap filled washer to rinse and spin and hit the start button.  Nothing happened.  Apparently the washer had become so full of bubbles it caused the breaker to flip.  He suggested we call the repair number on the wall.  I said, “That’s probably a good idea.”  He handed me his phone and I saw that it was dialing the number.  “Oh, I guess I am calling,” I thought to myself.  The guy on the other end of the phone asked for the building number which is located above the door on the outside of the building.  I wondered how this guy would react if I just walked outside with his phone and didn’t come back.  I stepped outside, recited the building number to the guy on the phone, and walked back inside.  I don’t think this gentleman even noticed I had stepped outside.  Oh well.  I had done what I could and now my clothes were dry.  It was time to fold my clothes and head to bed.

12 Days

I watched the movie “Lincoln” with my roommates last night.  What a long and fantastic movie!  I highly recommend it and will hold my tongue so I do not spoil the movie for those who have yet to enjoy the movie.

The weather has been kind of weird lately, often getting warm at night and colder throughout the day.  Sounds backwards, I know, but that is what is happening right now in Kandahar.

I received the details of my investigation case today.  It deals with adultery, a topic I am truly uncomfortable with and really don’t want to discuss.  I have to prove there was sexual intercourse.  How in the world am I supposed to prove that especially when one is a civilian and not held to the Uniform Code of Military Justice?  She can lie her little patootie off without consequence and then it becomes a game of he said she said.  Much to say, I am not looking forward to this investigation and I only have 12 days to complete it.  Most of the people involved are in the States and, oh by the way, they have a four day weekend right now. 

Inspector Gadget

The human body never ceases to amaze me.  I have been in some significant back pain for about a week now.  The pain comes and goes, but when it is present, it is sharp and debilitating.  This pain has kept me out of the gym for fear of making it worse.  Last night, I decided I was tired of not working out.  Pain or no pain, I was going to the gym.  I started with a twenty minute warm up on the elliptical machine.  Feeling good, I moved to the treadmill for two miles.  In slight pain, but not enough to de-motivate my workout, I did some weight machines focusing on my upper body and not so much on my back.  Then to finish my workout, I went to the abdominal room to do my own personal core and abdominal workout.  This workout is not quite as intense as the one previously described, but enough to keep up the sweat.  Oddly enough, I felt better after my hour trip to the gym.  My pain is at a tolerable level today.  Who knew the remedy for back pain was more physical training?

The XO conducted Officer Professional Development (OPD) today on How to Write an Effective Officer Evaluation Report (OER).  This is interesting considering I have an evaluation due on the 22^nd of this month.  The XO told us to keep our raters (boss) in check and ensure they stick to the timeline so our evaluations are never late.  He went so far as to say, “Stand on their desks until it is done if you have to.”  After the briefing, I walked up to my boss and said, “Sir, don’t make me stand on your desk, because you know I will.”  He mumbled that he wouldn’t, but I will believe it when my OER is signed and on its way to the Human Resources Command (HRC) for submittal to my records.

Our Legal NCO was talking with me in our MWR room.  He mentioned that I would be working with him soon.  His assistant recently went home to work out some issues and will not be returning, so my immediate response was, “Does that mean I won’t be a Battle Captain anymore?”  The smile on my face increasing ever so slightly as my hopes began to rise.  “No, you will still be doing Battle Captain work,” he replied.  Well, at least it will add some spice to my life working with Legal.  A little change is good in a “Groundhogs Day” environment and I might be privy to some juicy gossip. 

I went back to my office and thought about what he said for a little bit.  The stars aligned and I finally understood what he said.  Angrily, I left my office and headed towards the legal office.  “Am I in charge of a 15-6?”  A 15-6 is an investigation.  He smiled his big dopey smile and I knew that he was working on the paperwork to make me the investigating officer.  I asked him who I would be investigating, he said, “Ma’am, I can’t tell you.”
ME: “What do you mean you can’t tell me?”
LEGAL: “I can’t tell you, but you are going to be working long hours.”
ME: “What?  But I am doing the investigation.  What’s it about?  Wait, what do you mean by ‘long hours’?  I already work long hours.”
LEGAL: “I can’t tell you what it is about, but you are going to have to make phone calls to Fort Benning for parts of this investigation.”
ME: “What? You’re kidding.”
LEGAL: “Nope.  You aren’t happy about this are you?”
ME: “I really want to flip your desk right now.”
LEGAL: “You aren’t strong enough, I saw you in the gym last night.”
ME: “Don’t push it,” I said as I walked out of his office closing the door behind me.

I went back to my office and thought about it for a minute.  It does afford me a good chance to pretend I am an MP again.  I might like it actually, but really, I don’t want to do this!

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

Today has been uneventful.  I have nothing to do in the office today.  I went to the dining facility where the accidental shooting occurred for lunch.  I was with the same people and sat in the same seat.  Nothing happened today, which makes me more comfortable eating at the dining facility. 

A hole is being cut into our wall today.  A door is being placed where there once was a wall.  Good thing we painted the room.  The Navy SeaBees are doing the work, so it is a nice change of pace to see a different uniform and friendly faces.

Since the incident with the Veterinary Hospital, we are all being drug tested.  That is correct; I got to pee in a bottle this morning.  Just when I thought I was safe from peeing in bottles for at least nine months, bam, drug test.   Now the testers have to figure out how to send the pee back to the States for testing without a customs inspection or potential tampering.  Good luck to those guys in figuring out that part of the equation because nothing leaves this country heading towards the United States without being inspected.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  To all those people who think this is a made up holiday because it does not involve religion or a specific event in the history of our country, you are sadly mistaken.  Valentine’s Day commemorates the day a Roman priest by the name of Valentine became a Catholic Martyr.  On 14 FEB 269 he was beheaded for refusing to renounce his faith.  He is the patron saint of love and happy marriages.  He was known for marrying Christian couples, which at the time was illegal.  He was also noted as leaving dowry payments at the doors of young would-be brides who simply could not afford the dowry necessary to get married to her love.  Boom! Enjoy your Valentine’s Day; I know I am because it is the BEST holiday EVER!  I am sharing the love of the holiday by passing out Winnie the Pooh Valentine’s.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  After a good night of sleep, I arrived to work in time to catch the State of the Union Address.  I have nothing to do today at work however, so it has been a very slow day.  I have been away from my work station for most of the day for several reasons.  When I am comfortable, the rest of the office is too warm.  Unfortunately, the air conditioner they want to turn on is right above my work station.   To cool off the rest of the office, I must freeze.  Also, the new CPT needs to use my secret computer to work on his project until his secret computer starts working.  While he works on my computer and the office cools down, I have been roaming the halls and sitting in the entryway speaking with the COL’s driver.  He is a good guy when he is not busy being an asshole.  Currently he is writing the Command Sergeant Major’s deployment award and struggling to make it sound strong enough for the award the CSM believes he deserves.

The personnel NCOIC and I went to church together today at lunch to receive our ashes like good Catholics.  As we passed the dining facility in which the incident occurred yesterday, a chill went up my spine.  They never caught the individual who fired the shot.  The rumor floating around is that the shooter was a British Special Forces Soldier.  Whoever it was, I hope he is done firing rounds at friendly forces. 

According to the President’s speech this morning, 34 thousand American troops are to be out of Afghanistan by this time next year.  That is nearly half of the amount of Soldiers currently on ground.  It makes me wonder what kind of units will be leaving and which units are staying for the follow-up mission.  What are your thoughts?

Fireproof

Last night, the new CPT and I decided to join the religious festivities which included a movie at the Chaplain Ministry Center.  We were told snacks would be provided, so some of us ate dinner at the dining facility prior to heading over to the movie.  I met the new CPT on the road leading toward the Chaplain Ministry Center because he didn’t know where he was going and we walked over together.  The moment we walked into the room we both started coughing as there was a strong spice lingering in the air.  My other roommate was cooking hamburgers with cayenne pepper which was successfully turning the room into a CS gas chamber.  She had a nice spread though that caused some of us to regret eating at the dining facility.  Even though I was not hungry, I filled my plate with delicious pineapple slices.

 “Fireproof” was the title of the movie.  I had never seen this movie, but have heard great reviews from fellow Soldiers.  The acting was terrible, but the message was great.  I learned that all the actors and actresses in this movie were volunteers (this explains the bad acting, but says a lot about the movie).  The director of the movie was a pastor, hence the immense infusion of religion into the movie.  Once you were into the movie, the bad acting was easy to ignore.  If you aren’t freaked out by religion, I would highly recommend this movie. 

Work today has been the ordinary sit-around and do-nothing, so when the Personnel OIC invited me to lunch a bit earlier than usual, I agreed to join him.  I invited the new CPT to join us and he obliged.  The dining facility was a bit more crowded than usual.  I thought perhaps there was something good on the menu for once, but upon further observation the main meal option was a bad choice.  I settled for beef stroganoff on top of some elbow macaroni though because I did not feel like waiting in a long line for something fried.  I found my lunch buddies and sat down to enjoy the meal with them.  They had not been impressed with the menu either apparently because one had chicken fingers and French fries while the other had two slices of bread, a few slices of turkey, and a chunk of cheese on his plate.  It turns out my choice was not so great either because I found a pickle spear in my beef stroganoff.  The dining facility was becoming increasingly crowded the longer we sat there and soon we noticed that people were sitting next to each other and not leaving the obligatory empty seat between groups. 

My group was engrossed in people watching and idle conversation when we heard a loud boom.  It sounded like someone popped a large balloon right next to my ear.  I did a self assessment and realized I was not injured, so I continued with my meal.  All of a sudden people started throwing themselves to the floor.  “Oh, I guess we better get down,” I thought as I started moving slowly towards the floor.  Then it hit me, “Oh shit, what if the shooter is after more people?  I am screwed, the victim is only about 15 feet from where I am and I am somewhat in the open.”  It was true.  I could see the victim.  I was sitting on the end of the table in plain view about 15 feet from the victim.  I was located at the crossroads of walkways in the building.  I started to crawl under the table and heard a few Marines behind me lock and load a round into the chambers of their pistols.  Two snuck past me in a low crouch with their weapons drawn.  Someone cried out for a medic.  The new CPT is a nurse, so he hurried over to check out the situation.  A man in uniform with a CID (Criminal Investigation Division) patch on his shoulder took control of the situation telling people to stay down and block off the doors.  He called for any MP’s (Military Police) within the dining facility to block the doors.  They did not have the weapon nor did they have the shooter.    

The new CPT returned to our position to let us know what was happening.  A civilian contractor had been shot in the foot.  He said the bullet hit the floor and bounced up into the guy’s foot.  There was a hole in the bottom of the guy’s foot and what looked like a scratch on top of his foot.  A tourniquet was applied above the ankle and the foot was wrapped in Israeli bandages, the Army’s latest in bandaging technology.  The CPT also mentioned that the puddle of blood on the floor was impressive and grew a little faster than he thought it would.

The theory is that it was a negligent discharge.  This means the shooter did not mean to fire his weapon.  Somehow his weapon loaded a round into the chamber, was placed on fire, and the trigger activated without the knowledge of the owner of the weapon.  This happens a lot more often than you would think.  We have procedures to clear weapons and while on post there should be no rounds in the chamber.  It is a safety precaution in place for this exact reason.

Once the shot was fired, people scattered, left the building, or hit the floor.  One of our Soldiers left the dining facility as soon as she heard the shot.  She ran all the way back to work where she started to freak out so bad we called the Chaplain to come talk to her.  Since she was able to escape un-noticed, it is possible the shooter left the building as soon as he realized his blunder.  There was a delay between the shot and blocking off the exits.  Civilian paramedics arrived and took the packaged patient to the hospital.  Once the victim was clear of the building, CID began filtering people out of the dining facility.  They were checking everyone’s long barrels (M16/M4’s) because the shot fired came from an assault rifle.  If you had a pistol, you were free to leave. 

As my group left the dining facility we started joking around about the incident, but you could tell that we were all shaken up by it.  We joked about heading over to the Combat Operational Stress Control unit just to procrastinate from returning to work.  Puppies and ice cream was my requirement for returning to work, the others wanted movies and sleep. 

I walked into the office to find our NCOIC dressed as a superhero.  He had an afghan as a cape, he had cut holes in a black sleep mask, he cut the bottom out of a large plastic protein powder jug and cut a face hole out as well, and to top off his costume, he had a catcher’s mask tied around his waist as a crotch protector.  I took a picture, but it may be a while until I can transfer the data to my FB.

I am alive and well, there is no need to worry about me =)

Halfway There!

I felt like a homeless person this morning as I joined the line forming outside the dining facility.  The doors were still locked and we all waited in the cold crisp morning air.  There was a slight breeze blowing causing most of us to put our hands in our pockets or hunch over a bit in an attempt to ward off the cold.  The doors opened and we quickly gathered inside to wash our hands and grab some hot deliciousness. 

Work today has just been ridiculousness.  We just switched shifts and are getting used to working together and the boss decides today is the day to chew our asses about miscommunication and slides being inadequate.  First of all, they are other people’s slides.  Second of all, we are communicating more than we ever used to communicate.   Thirdly, this is the first time the slides have been “not perfect” in approximately 100 days. 

We also found out today that while the boss is traveling, the new CPT is in charge.  There are a few people who are not happy about this, to include the new CPT.  Yes, he has seniority, but he just arrived.  I don’t mind because it takes the pressure off me.  It also deprives me of some good leadership experience, which I do mind. 

My other roommate has been pissing a lot of people off in the office lately.  She has taken it upon herself to reallocate resources amongst all of Kandahar.  If you watch her closely, you can see she is always on the lookout for items she deems useful in other places.  Her main objective is food.  She thinks of our office as the new MWR.  In my office, we all contribute in swiping items from the dining facility to use.  She then takes it from us, which is very frustrating.  She has taken cups, bowls, milk, sugar, tea, and cases of water.  The boss is fed up with it and is posting signs for outsiders to either stay away or contribute to the pile.  I think she does it because she knows she can get away with it due to her rank.  She is a full bird colonel. 

The last straw for me was when she saw me eating my chips and salsa and told me to bring them to the chaplain’s movie night.  Um, not just no, but hell no, these chips and salsa came from my brother, for me and whatever I want to do with it.  I would also like to mention that the place in which they are watching the movie is stocked with all kinds of snack food.  There is no need to bring anymore snacks into that building.

Hot Chow!

I was so productive last night, I even impressed myself!  I worked out at the gym, I did laundry, I swept and mopped the room, I read a few chapters in the book I am reading, and I even managed to tweak my back in there somewhere too!  I was motivated last night.  When I say I swept and mopped the room, I did it industrial style, if there is such a thing.  I removed what I could from the floor, swept, and got the big mop from the bathroom.  I filled the ginormous bucket with some Fabuloso lavender scented floor cleaner and hot water, and mopped the dirt from that floor!  I almost did it twice because by the time I was done, the water looked like chocolate milk.  I agree, disgusting! 

This morning I discovered that the dining facility is open on my walk to work at 0530.  I received this pleasant surprise as I almost ran into a civilian walking towards the building serving hot chow.  I looked up, saw people entering, and decided to follow.  It was kind of like that scene in the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” where all the dragons are hypnotized and travel to the dragon cave to feed the queen.  With a blank stare on my face and my feet moving without my notice, I found myself washing my hands at the entrance to the dining facility.  I couldn’t stay long because I was on my way to work so I scanned my meal card at the “To-Go” entrance, was handed two to-go containers, and gained entry to the wonderful world of breakfast.  The guy behind the counter was giving me funny looks.  I was hungry and ordering everything he had behind his little counter.  He gave me that up-and-down glance as if to say, “Where are you going to put all this food?” 

My to-go boxes were full of fried eggs, bacon, extra bacon, biscuits and gravy, a breakfast burrito, hash browns, and a croissant when I realized I was about to be late for work.  I was not kidding when I said I was hungry.  I grabbed some plastic-wear, a carton of chocolate soy milk, and was back on my way to work.  The containers were warm in my hands compared to the chill that was outside.  I walked as fast as my little legs could carry me, mainly because I didn’t want my food to become cold, but I was close to being late as well. 

I didn’t even wait for the night shift to leave before diving into my breakfast.  They kept telling me how good it smelled instead of briefing me on the events of the night.  I made a nice hot cup of coffee and enjoyed the quiet of the building coupled with the satisfaction of a full belly once they left for the day. 

I also received a box from my brother today containing a rather large bottle of Pace Picante Salsa complete with chips.  My office immediately swarmed to my desk as though they could smell the unopened salsa and we immediately opened it and had a chips and salsa party.  MMmm, delicious! 

Strike Three

In the mail yesterday, I received a turtle that now sits on my desk and watches me work.  He doesn’t have a name yet, but I am open to suggestions. 

I left work yesterday around 430 in the afternoon.  When I entered my room, I noticed my new roommate buried under her sleeping bag and decided to take a quick nap.  I was extremely tired from starting my new shift and having to deal with our replacement visitors.  I woke up 30 minutes later when my new roommate turned on all the big lights.  “Maybe she doesn’t know I am in here,” I thought, but that thought went out the window when she answered her phone and informed the person on the other end that her roommate was here and she could not speak at the moment.  For the next twenty minutes or so she was in and out of the room claiming she was going to the gym but returning for forgotten items randomly.  The lights were kept on for all of this, so I decided my nap was over and started playing on my iPad.  On her last trip back to the room, she finally turned off the lights.  I rolled my eyes and strolled lazily to the door to turn the lights back on. 

My new roommate has a new habit of spending the night in our headquarters building and sleeping all day in the room.  She calls it work, but she is attending college and has no real job.  Later in the evening, she was preparing herself for her evening of voluntary insomnia.  My other roommate mentions that she has actual work for her to complete and that she needs to report to work during the day.  Our new roommate replies that she is on her way to “work,” what did she need?  My other roommate said, “Oh no, I need to explain it to you, it deals with patient safety.  Oh, and who are you walking with since it is after dark?”  This is something my roommate and I have been hounding our other roommate about, walking around alone after dark.  I am glad it finally sank into her head.  Our new roommate replies that she is going to call a friend to walk with her.  We all know she is lying.  Strike one.  As our other roommate leaves the room for the restroom, she turns the lights off instructing our new roommate that she is turning off the lights because two of us were trying to sleep.  The new roommate says ok, waits for our other roommate to leave and switches the lights back on.  Strike two. 

My roommate is aggressively searching for an additional room away from this woman who lacks the moral decency to request an additional minute with the lights on, the honesty to say she is walking alone, and the ability to think of anyone besides herself. 

The new CPT and I are keeping each other entertained.  He joins me for lunch and he is waiting for the rumors to start since he is a 46 year old, happily married man.  It is nice having someone in the office to talk to when I have some down time.  His desk faces mine and he just received his computers today.  He was introduced to ball attack today.  This is the game the office plays that involves everyone throwing bouncy balls at everyone else.  To top things off, we have civilians in our office today working on the medical computers. 

Our boss got our NCO’s good today though, I do have to give him credit.  From his office he announced that there was a bouncy ball in his doorway.  Two NCO’s and the LT ran to his doorway to see what he wanted (as usual) and he hosed them down with silly string.  I guess it paid off not to kiss ass today, because I was the only one in the office not covered in silly string.

Ten Minutes

Between sharing my computer with all these visitors and the night LT turned day LT, I am not sure how long I have to type.  The former night LT is getting set up on a different computer, but until that is complete, he keeps logging me off my computer to log himself in, so he can transfer information from one computer to another.  It is rather annoying because it seems like every time I am out of my chair, I look back and he is in it; even if it is just to fill my mug with coffee.  At least he is deleting work that I can re-create.

I started my 6am shift today.  Stupidly, I went to the gym last night after shift and didn’t get to bed until around 11pm.  I am super tired right now, but I will have time for both laundry and a nap when I am properly relieved from work today. 

Oh yea, that was a good ten minutes…

Stolen!

Today is the last day our replacements will be visiting us and all I have to say is thank Jesus!  I printed out every single meeting we have to attend.  The guy tells me to save paper, so I print two slides per page.  He reviews the slides once I have them printed and organized in a binder and tells me that I have to print them out one slide per page.  I’m sorry, but we don’t have the resources for that.  Is he going to send some toner and paper when he gets back to the States because that stuff is hard to come by over here especially with all the budget cuts.  Can’t he be satisfied with us putting it on a disc and he doing whatever he wants with it when he gets to the States?

It has been an interesting day here today.  Our veterinary hospital was broken into last night and their narcotics safe was stolen.  That is what I arrived to work to find in my inbox.  Turns out one of their Specialists ripped out the safe and busted it open to steal drugs.  She is currently locked up in the psych ward at the hospital while the Criminal Investigation Division completes their investigation.  The veterinary hospital is also closed down until after the investigation is complete.  What a fiasco!

The new CPT is a great addition to the team.  We set his desk up right in front of mine so we can stare at each other all day if we have nothing else to do.  He has a great sense of humor and is so relieved to be away from where he was that he is willing to do anything that is asked of him.  So far, he doesn’t have a set job, so he just keeps us entertained all day.

Our shifts are changing starting tomorrow.  I will be working from six in the morning until roughly four in the afternoon.  The night LT will work the shift I currently work, the ten in the morning until eight at night.  The new LT took the night shift and he volunteered to work a 24 hour shift to facilitate the shift change. 

PT this morning was interesting as well.  The Soldier in charge of PT this morning failed to reserve the field, so we started with half the field.  His intent was to play soccer this morning.  We set up to play on half the field with the goals in position.  Since I do not like playing sports, I decided to run on the track instead.  On my tenth lap, about twenty minutes later, I came around the corner to find people in civilian clothes playing Ultimate Frisbee on the entire field.  My group left me!  I made my way back to my room to ask my roommate what happened, but when I got there, so was not there.  Ten minutes later, she arrived to the room and I asked her what happened.  The Ultimate Frisbee players had reserved the field and we were kicked off.  That explains where everyone went, but why did they leave me behind?  I guess everyone was so focused on getting back to bed that they forgot about me.  Oh well, at least I got a good workout in!